THE GERMAPHOBE THAT WOULDN'T LET ME TAKE OFF MY ROBE

You might look like a belle but gurl, you better purell. So get off your cell and use that gel. 

Even if you’re wearing pastels, I want to know the count of your white blood cells. I don’t want to yell, but since I don't know where you’ve dwelled, please remove your hand from my lapel. There's no way in hell you’re coming back to my hotel, if there's the faintest hint of smell, it will be goodbye and farewell.

If you want to fuck, let me see your STD test. It will be for the best if you want to invest in this treasure chest. Unless you’re a mess and it gives you stress, you’re not hitting up this nest.

If you’re not a health freak, then just don't speak. You can't kiss my check, unless you take daily shots of wheat. Don't cheat. The only type of protein treat you should eat is the meat under my sheets.

~ xoxo GG & SC

SPOTTED, SWATTED AND PARTY ROTTED

 If you can't get into Le Bain, don't be ashamed. You aren't lame! You can still find champagne that's off the chain.

Head to Provac, there’s plenty there in stock. Forget the table talk, the guys want to see you walk, so don't be surprised when they gawk. They might try to stalk, but push through the flock and grab the champagne and shake your ass to Lil Wayne like you're going insane.

It might be a cliche to be in the cafe, but you better pray that everyone will stay, cause if they stray then you will become the ultimate prey.

The only time you end up in the club is when there is some serious DJ love. You will be pushed and shoved, and have forgotten your boxing gloves. These girls aren't delicate doves. So hurry my love and get up above! Pretend to be one of them and act like a gem. They'll never know the truth, so get up in the DJ booth, unless you want to lose a tooth.

It’s in your faith to stop by Number 8. It might not be great, cause you’ll definitely have to wait. But don’t hate cause your bottles of Dom Perignon will come out in a golden crate. Listen don't overrate, we didn't promise you'd find your soul mate...This isn't a date.
   
~ xoxo GG & SC

10 EASY STEPS TO BECOMING LARGE AND IN CHARGE

1. Get on your game and get to the top of the food chain. Learn to sustain your urge for champagne by getting on the sugar train

2. You might feel fly when you’re on a sugar high, but don’t feel abash when you come down on your first sugar crash

3. When you see cellulite accumulating on your ass, you’re on the fast track to getting fat. Note do not apply cellulite cream, you’re not trying to be lean, so don’t pretend you’re not a sugar queen

4. Don’t cheat by eating only meat. Remember protein will be you’re biggest defeat

5. If you can’t eat yeast, eat a sugar feast by baking yourself this treat… Put Matza on a sheet, add caramel, chocolate, and some heat… and Bon Appetit

6. If you feel the urge to purge, hold it in and binge. Remember you are a winner, not trying to get thinner

7. Being active is not attractive. So instead of going to the gym and trying to get slim, munch on some Crunch, that will satisfy you for lunch

8. If you like to party then be a Smartie… Get fly, don’t be shy, go get that guy and eat yourself a piece of pie

9. Boohoo, don’t be a whore, even if your stomach is getting sore, just go to the candy store and stock up on some more… Remember a sugar lover is never a bore in all her galore

10. Gurl… don’t hurl. Just get on your sugar swirl. Your life will be a delight, you will have the gift of cellulite and then you will finally see the light

Follow these steps and we promise you will look your very best ~ xoxo GG & SC